Within the context of relationships and communication, I have found one useful framework that I often discuss in counselling is the Pinch-Crunch Model. Developed by John J. Sherwood and John C. Glidewell in the 1970s. This model explains how interpersonal relationships evolve and how small, unresolved issues ‘Pinches’, can escalate into serious conflicts ‘Crunches’ if not addressed constructively.

Using this model, I have found it possible to help some couples develop new awareness about their interaction and gain skills in dealing with difficulties as they arise.

How Does A Pinch-Crunch Begin?

Every relationship, even casual ones begin by a gathering of data…Dating? You get to know each other, likes, dislikes, attitudes, opinions, behaviour.  If you are satisfied with the data that is gathered, you may continue the relationship.  You then share and exchange information and negotiate expectations:

‘I can expect her to be serious when we’re alone and kid around when we are with others’.
I can be myself with him, he isn’t demanding.
‘She likes to be looked after; I like to look after people …. It makes me feel good’.

You begin to lay down the ground rules of your relationship and building a relationship where you need to exchange enough information so that behaviour of you both is more or less predictable, and uncertainty is reduced to an acceptable level. This means clarifying roles.

Role Clarity

You become clear as to your roles with each other you may feel safe enough to eventually make a commitment and with the commitment comes stability.

Stability

This stability produces a period when shared expectations are met. This predictability frees you to be productive in other areas of their lives as the relationship no longer requires such sustained attention.  You then are free to concentrate on such things as home building, careers, study etc.

BUT

Soon or later one or other will feel PINCHED by the relationship.

A Pinch is a small hurt, disappointment, or moment of tension in a relationship.
It might look like:

• Feeling ignored or dismissed in a conversation
• A promise that isn’t kept
• A tone of voice that feels harsh
• A small action (or lack of one) that stings emotionally

Pinches are a normal part of any relationship. The problem comes when they’re not talked about. Many people try to ignore pinches, thinking: -

‘It’s not worth it,
‘I don’t want to start an argument’

The irony is that this very avoidance of conflict often makes more serious but later conflict more likely. When pinches are left unspoken, they don’t go away — they build up.

A PINCH becomes a CHOICE POINT.

What Happens When Pinches Build Up?

When pinches build-up they may eventually lead to a point where the discomfort with the relationship leads to a disruption. The disruption is to do with dissatisfaction with the way the relationship is going, with a sense that previously held expectations of each other are not being met. Ground rules have been broken.

Disruption

Disruption occurs when one or another of the partnership violates expectations, breaks the rules particularly when there are relational transitions. A new baby is a good example of a change in the rules and re-negotiation being needed.

‘It’s your turn to get up’
‘It’s alright for you, you just go out and see your friends, I’m stuck in the house’

There is a BIG ROW.  It’s now a chance to make creative change.

You can respond to a disruption in three different ways: -

• Re-negotiate, acknowledge the disruption, update their information about each other and change.
• Choose not to change, attempt to return to ‘the way things were’ …. A premature reconciliation.
• Terminate the relationship.

Re-Negotiate – You can exchange new information about each other, gain new perceptions, re-negotiate the ground rules

BUT

Disruption creates uncertainty, anxiety, anger, discomfort …. Strong forces which make for tension between the two individuals.  The quickest way to reduce this anxiety and the most tempting is to: -

• Turn to the way things used to be. Kiss and make up, apologise, let bygones be bygones. This is often a mistake.

I can help you stay with the anxiety and tension during the re-negotiation which can take place within the counselling process. I can help you hold open the relationship, learn negotiating skills, where you may be able to allow change to enter your lives.  You need to see that disruption is inevitable and part of a living relationship.  No relationship is settled once and for all and a continuous process of updating and re-negotiation is a natural part of life.

If each disruption is not seen as an opportunity for change and re-negotiation does not take place there will eventually be a build-up of pinches/disruptions ….  To lead to a CRUNCH.

A CRUNCH is a CHOICE POINT.  The same three choices apply only now resentment, hostility, lack of trust enter the arena.

Termination

Termination can mean divorce or separation, but some relationships can be terminated in other ways by alcohol, drugs, affairs and workaholism. These relationships become a comfortable disaster.

Sadly, I sometimes witness terminations that are destructive and resentful, and which expose the rigidity and inflexibility within the relationship.  Change cannot be accommodated and splitting up seems to the only escape.

When You Have Already Hit A Crunch: Talk About Pinches Early

When a crunch has already occurred, don’t lose hope, counselling can facilitate repair and learning. Through guided reflection, I can help you explore what led to the breakdown, express unmet needs safely, and rebuild the emotional connection.

The best way to keep your relationship strong is to talk about pinches before they become crunches. I can enable you to identify and become competent in expressing this.

Repairing a crunch takes patience and honesty, but it can lead to improved communication and a stronger, more understanding relationship.

The Key Takeaway

Pinch-Crunch isn’t a sign of failure — it’s a sign that something in the relationship needs attention. By catching small pinches early and talking about them openly, you can prevent bigger problems, deepen your connection, and create a healthier, happier partnership.

In counselling, I can offer you support and containment during a period of planned re-negotiation.  I can help you see that you need to deal with the PINCHES to avoid getting to the CRUNCHES.  That re-negotiation is a vital part of a relationship and is healthy.

When one person feels a pinch, the other person may also feel it in some way. If you can share it, this new information may be all that it takes to adjust the relationship.  I can encourage you to share your difficulties in terms of problems to be solved rather than cases to prosecute or fights to be won.

Pinches are experienced by the individual, disruption and Crunches are experienced by the whole family, not just you, the couple, but any children as well.

I can help you see that re-negotiation is a necessary if at times uncomfortable process, but it is far better to do regular maintenance on the relationship than to wait until the relationship engine seizes up.  As a couple’s counsellor, I can help our you develop the communication skills that make this servicing a reality.

Please take a look at the handout below as it is a useful summary.