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Why did you choose one other? – Uncovering the psychodynamics of couple relationships

A question that is often asked not only in couple counselling but socially amongst friends and family is ‘why did you choose one another’?

Most couples say ‘we fancied each other’, ‘I found him/her/they attractive’ – the sexual chemistry and sexual preferences. I found her fun, him caring or kind, they were interested in me and I admired their qualities – what they stood for. Each enjoyed similar interests, had similar aspirations, values and priorities.

You may have come from similar backgrounds whether similar communities, culture, class, education or religion or were intrigued and excited by difference whether ethnicity or religion or countries or other.

The truth is there is conscious choice and unconscious choice in choosing a partner.

Think of an iceberg, one tenth of it is above the water – the tenth that is visible and can be thought of as ‘the conscious choice’, why you thought you choose each other; the other is the nine tenths below the water – the nine tenths that is invisible and can be thought of as ‘the unconscious choice’ – (which is unknown to us – hidden away from self) which is why you really choose each other. 

The Couple Fit – two people who fit together to form a whole

Held within the unconscious choice is the ‘couple fit’ – this is the uniqueness of the couple relationship. Think of the couple fit as each partner holding the same key that unlocks the same door, or, imagine each of your childhoods represents a jig saw which you both grew up having different jig saws. The couple fit is when you take a piece out of each other’s jig saws, swop them and they fit inside your respective jigsaws.

Why is uncovering the couple fit and unconscious choice so important in couples counselling?

At an unconscious level we often pick out and are picked out by a partner who has similar life experiences; however, they may have dealt with these experiences in different ways (opposites). In order to know about unconscious choice, we need to know about the psychodynamics of couples’ relationships.

The Psychodynamics of couple relationships have two concepts

• Projection
• Projection identification

An example of projection is, if I feel anxious, I might believe that I’m not really anxious and might even call myself ‘laid back’, so laid back in fact I describe myself as ‘being horizontal’. I might then view my partner as anxious, who is ‘always on the go’ and I can’t get them to sit still and watch the TV with me!

Projection is when I don’t like the idea of being anxious and so I put this unacceptable part of me into my partner so I feel good within and the bad is on the outside – this relieves my inner conflict in not viewing myself as an anxious person but a laid back one.

An example of projection identification is when my partner accepts all the anxiety in the relationship and takes on an identity of a ‘cannot be still person’ and has almost a ‘double dose’ of anxiety, not only carrying their own but their partners as well.

The reverse can happen where the anxious partner who does not like the idea of being relaxed and calm, perhaps afraid that something will not get done and so places this unacceptable part into the other who then has a double dose of being laid back. This is called mutually collusive projective identification or otherwise known as ‘coupe fit’ – the two pieces of the jig saw.

There are many other examples of these common polarities. You may know of other couples where one is tidy and the other untidy, or, one is responsible and the other irresponsible.

Its fine when this projective identification works in the relationship, however, often it begins to break down and what once worked no-longer works and in fact becomes a bone of contention between the couple.  The anxious partner may become fed up with the laid-back partner not carrying their weight in the relationship. The laid-back partner may feel lonely and abandoned when the other is always being busy.

In thinking back to the question – ‘Why did you chose one another?’ – that may depend upon how you experienced your families in growing up. In the example of anxiety and laid back this may have been a conflict for your families in your past. When something is a past conflict the couple relationship hold a ‘second chance’ to resolve it.

Without knowing it your unconscious choices and couple fit is about

• Hope – of healing the past and
• Fears of repeating the past

Understanding how and why this dynamic evolved, linking past and present and importantly how to get out of it is the work of psychodynamic couple therapy.

If you are interested in reading more, please see the Booklist

Martial Tensions – Henry Dicks

Intimate Partners -Maggie Scarff

Couples – The Shared Unconscious and Collusions – Derek Hill

In a recent article by Wotton and Johnston in Therapy Today (March 2022) I was interested in their belief that ‘Therapy has never been more important in public life’.

They go on to say that ‘Roughly a third of families in the UK include someone who is mentally ill. A third of us are expected to experience mental illness at some point in our lives. In developed countries, the World Health Organisation estimates that mental illness accounts for nearly 40% of all illness (stroke, cancer, heart disease, lung disease and diabetes together account for less than 20%). Mental ill health is arguably Britain’s biggest social problem’.

Science and research have now been able to provide evidence as to the effectiveness of therapy. Linden in How Psychotherapy Changes the Brain (2006) has shown that changes brought about by therapy are visible via brain imaging. Lemma et al. Brief Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy (2001) argues that the overall effect size for therapy is larger than the success rate for flu vaccines and heart surgery and that three-quarters of people who have therapy are emotionally better off than those who don’t.

Layard & Clark Thrive: The Power of Psychological Therapy (2014) believes categorical that counselling and psychotherapy have a success rate just as high as the majority of treatments for physical illnesses and often have a substantially larger effect size than many medical or surgical procedures (Carr The Effectiveness of Psychotherapy 2007).

Clients are telling therapists that they feel better as a consequence of having therapy. According to the BACP Counselling Changes Lives: Public Perception survey (2019) found that 76% of those who’ve had therapy or counselling would recommend it to friends and family.

It is fair to say that therapy doesn’t work for everyone. If 76% of people would recommend therapy to family and friends, that means 24% wouldn’t. This can be for a multitude of reasons from timing, problems with engagement, complexity and people looking for a miracle cure. The truth is that miracles don’t happen all that often and I am sceptical of any miracle cures in counselling. I know from almost 30 years’ experience as a therapist that in reality change is possible but not easy and it takes hard work. For that reason, change takes time.

What is at the Heart of Effective Therapy?

Whilst there are many different types of therapy including some possible passing fads, there are others that adhere to the ‘basics’ describing what all good therapy has in common.
Wotton and Johnston draw on the Goldfried & Eubanks A Principle-based Approach to Psychotherapy Integration. (2019) which suggests that all effective therapy works according to five evidence-based, broad principles of change. These are: –

⦁ Promoting clients’ hope and expectation that therapy can help – most of the time, for most people, with most problems, therapy is effective at relieving distress.

⦁ Establishing a good working relationship – a good therapeutic alliance is the foundation for change, which means agreement on the goals and methods of therapy.

⦁ Helping clients become more aware of what causes their difficulties – standing back to see the wood for the trees, and/or zooming in to see the detail, as it really is.

⦁ Encouraging clients to engage in ‘corrective experiences’ – helping them connect with thoughts and feelings they tend to avoid, and encouraging them to do things differently to learn something new or unexpected.

⦁ Practising ongoing reality testing by putting all of the above together to create a virtuous circle to help clients notice when they’re on autopilot; pause and reflect; do something differently; note the results, and apply that learning.

As a primarily psychodynamic and relational counsellor I work with these five principles. I find that this allows time for clients to get a deep and meaningful understanding of themselves and their relationships. I believe that with time and understanding this enables clients to begin to change their thoughts, feelings and habits of a lifetime and …’at its best, therapy helps us experience more meaning, more contentment and more fulfilment. In short, counselling does changes lives’.

I recently provided some training in Recognising Sex and Porn Addiction. In writing this month’s blog, I thought about sharing this with you to see if you recognise yourself, or, someone close to you?

People can use a variety of words to describe their sexual behaviour from sex and porn addiction, hypersexuality, sexually acting out, sexual activity and compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. You can use whatever words you are comfortable or least uncomfortable with in describing your sexual behaviours.

By the age of 10 years, most children will have saw porn or certainly have an idea of it. By the age of 15 years, 20 – 60% of boys will have looked at porn and by the age of 17/18 years. 85%. We are in the age of digital natives. For those born post 1980 and usage of the internet and technology is a normal way of life. So young people and adults may have grown up with porn viewing it as ‘normal entertainment’. So, to what degree do you think porn is normalised and indeed the sex industry generally and how would you recognise whether you think it is having an adverse effect on you?

In considering this, it might be helpful to have a definition of sex and porn addiction; know what it is not; consider the common myths and behaviours of sex addiction, what stops people asking for help and the importance of having an assessment by someone who is knowledgeable to consider whether you genuinely have an addiction and what to do.

Let’s look at a definition of what sex and porn addiction is

I use the World Health Organisation (WHO) definition who classify the sexual behaviours as an impulse control disorder and not an addictive disorder. Generally speaking, classification is first described as a disorder and later may become classified as a behavioural addiction such as gaming or gambling addiction.

The 4 components of Compulsive Sexual behaviour Disorder (CSBD) are: -.

1.Being pre-occupied and out of control with persistent repetitive sexual behaviour.

2.Continuing with the sexual behaviours despite harmful consequences.

3.Numerous attempts to reduce or stop the sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no sexual satisfaction from it.

4.The pattern of behaviour to control intense, sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviour is manifested over a period of time – 6 months or more.

What sex and porn addiction is not.

Sex addiction is not about underlying conditions.

The WHO, in defining CSBD, were keen to address one of the most common concerns that self-diagnosis would be based on a person’s evaluation of moral incongruence. Diagnosis should not be based on psychological distress caused by moral judgements or disapproval.

Moral judgements can be based on societies views of proscribed norms which are forever changing and there is constant conflict between who is responsible between the individual, family, church and government.

Morally you may disagree with certain sexual activities but if you are not not pre-occupied with it or it is out of control, then this may not be an addiction.

If your sexual activity contravenes your own values and beliefs and you feel it is harmful to you then it may be an addiction – if you are enjoying the behaviour with no remorse or regret or emptiness then it may not be an addiction.

Sex addiction and porn addiction is still widely misunderstood.

Sex addiction is not driven by sexual desire although it may have started off that way, but it’s not about sex any more than alcohol addiction is about savouring the vintage of the wine or contemplating how the grapes were grown. If you are alcohol dependent you are drinking to drown your emotions often to the point of black out and no memory to numb your feelings.

Similarly, sex and porn addiction become the route to escape from difficult emotions. The problem can be many people have little or no awareness of their feelings and therefore don’t make the link between emotional pain and sexually acting out. The difference between compulsive / addictive sexual behaviours is that sexually acting out becomes the only way to manage your emotions.

Sex addiction can be thought about as having the opportunity to act out as well as what might be driving the sexual behaviours such as attachment and trauma issues. Gabor Mate talks generally about addiction and his belief – ‘Its not the why of the addiction – it’s the way of the emotional pain’. Sex addiction, however, is unlike any other addiction because it violates the person and very core of intimate relationships.

Some of the most common behaviours of CSBD

These include internet addition – pornography, webcam and cybersex and fetishes and visiting sex workers.

Porn Addiction is a modern phenomenon and the Internet has enabled porn to be freely and widely available without cost.

Internet porn starts as a pursuit of pleasure and then becomes compelling because of unending novelty which gets your arousal system skyrocketing. This consent novelty is known as a supernormal-stimuli which has a powerful effect on the brain. This stimuli is known as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sex addiction.

What happens is that the constant novelty of porn produces copious amounts of ‘dopamine’ – the ‘seeking and searching’ chemical for pleasure and reward. Dopamine amps up your reward circuity where you experience craving and pleasure and this is where you get hooked on porn.

‘The Coolidge effect’ is an example of how unrelenting novelty can drive behaviour. It got its name from US president Calvin Coolidge. The story goes that he and his wife were touring a farm. The farmer proudly showed Mrs Coolidge a rooster that could copulate with hens all day long.  Mrs Coolidge coyly suggested that the famer tell that to Mr Coolidge. The farmer duly did and the president said ‘With the same hen?’ ‘No sir’ replied the farmer. ‘Tell that to Mrs Coolidge the present retorted’.

Excessive porn use has can lead to sexual dysfunction.  Repeated exposure to supernormal – stimuli lowers the arousal threshold sometimes leading to problems with arousal and maintaining an erection. In professional terms, this is known as PIED – (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) as attraction to real partners fade because they aren’t constant novelty with rapidly changing visual cues. So sadly, you get desensitised to their regular partner and their sexual relationship can feel as it is ‘stolen’.

Cybersex – chat sites whether talking or messaging can be very risky, they are often monitored by the police as young people under the age of 18 may be on these sites listening or partaking. How do you know the person you are talking to or messaging is over 18 years?

Fetishes –often start around the age of 2/3 years where the child develops a special interest in for example, shoes because they are sitting on the floor beside their mum or teacher and associate shoes with comfort and familiarity and be soothed by it.  They can maintain that interest and being soothed as a child and when puberty arrives the comfort and soothing can become arousing and sexual and be misinterpreted as a sexual fetish.

Common myths about sex addiction

Some people wonder whether they just have a high sex drive/appetite and not a sex addiction. How do you determine what’s a higher drive than normal? Do you enjoy it, do you feel its compulsive? If there is enjoyment and no ambivalence, you may not have a compulsion so may not have an addiction. Doing something a bit too much does not equal an addiction. If you are drinking a bit too much and it affects your work then you can ease back. Addiction is you try to ease back but fail. Then you have the elements of addiction.

Other people say they just have a lot of sex – there may be a lot of sex but is there a feeling of being isolated, spending more time with pornography than with people, feeling you have low mood.

Some people can blame their sexual activity on their relationship – ‘if we hadn’t of argued then I wouldn’t be acting out’.  Normally a person’s sexually acting out pre-dates their relationship – in other words the CBSD emanates from the past and the person’s psychological pain which existed before becoming a couple. In meeting with the partner, I talk about ‘The three C’s’, that is the partner did not Cause it, cannot Control it and cannot Cure it.

What stops people disclosing sex addiction

What stops people disclosing sex addiction is guilt and shame and often ‘character-damming labels’ which not only affects the sex addict but also their partners and families. Often people have lived with secrecy perhaps for many years and with that what has been felt as ‘unspeakable’ until now. I do not underestimate the magnitude of feeling shamed and its impact of ‘muting’ people.

In feeling such guilt and shame it’s normal to have intense self-loathing and self-hatred. When this happens, I remind them of their inherent health in that they have showed strength and resilience in seeking help. That in therapy, I am with them in providing a safe presence where they will be met, seen and not judged.

The importance of an assessment

So, in ending this month’s blog, if there are some things you recognise about yourself or someone close to you, it is important to have an assessment by someone who is knowledgeable to consider whether you genuinely have an addiction or not.

I offer an assessment process and a written formulation and if there is an addiction a treatment plan. How long that takes in working through the treatment plan is up to each individual.

Welcome to my blog page. Here you will find a selection of short articles about a wide range of issues that might be helpful to people coming to individual counselling; couples counselling and couples and same sex relations; couples and intimacy; families; sex and porn addiction; counselling for partners of sex addicts and couples counselling and sex addiction.
Some of the articles might include useful tips, referenced extracts from books, news items and other articles that might be of interest and help to my client group,
The first article is:

Talk Yourself out of a Row and Rules for Fair Rows

And each month I will add to my blog
Please do have a browse and if you find something that interests you, please do feel free to share with friends on social media if appropriate.

Talk Yourself Out of a Row
Often newspapers articles, magazines, social media rush to tell us the secrets of successful couples. In reading the blurb we might say – yeah dream on you don’t live my life, or, if only we could be one of those couples! So, is it all a dream or is it possible?
Let’s take a look at what these successful couples do.
Generally successful couples can assert what’s important to them. They can also decide whether a row is worth having and if so, ‘stand their ground whilst maintaining perspective’. They can also ask themselves “Is what I am about to say helpful?” If it’s not then why say it?
Successful couples know it’s not about one winning or one conceding. They can recognise how the other is feeling as well as hold onto their own feelings. They can juggle both sets of feelings at the same time and know when one feels more strongly than the other. Importantly they can take responsibility for how they feel and manage it.
With a deep breath, a little thought and a sense of goodwill anything is possible. Talking yourself out of a row maybe easier than you think?
TALKING to one another is the heart of a successful relationship but how often do we take this for granted and lose the art of meaningful communication?
As time goes by and we become so used to each other we stop talking about our feelings and thoughts. In our busy lives we tend to talk about practical things like what’s for tea and who’s paying the bills.
When couples avoid talking about their feelings, they begin to disconnect and disconnection becomes a rich breeding ground for rows.
A similar disconnect that happens is when people describe themselves as ‘private’ or ‘I just bottle things up’. This can be an excuse for avoiding telling the other how they are feeling convincing themselves that’s its better than confrontation, but, the very thing they wanted to avoid happens as this strategy is more likely to lead to more disconnect and then rows explosive rows.

So how do successful couples actually talk themselves out of a row?

1. Make time for a 5-minute check-in to talk to your partner about your feelings. This will get you into the habit of talking and listening. You can agree the ground rules first of a couples of minutes each for each person to talk and the other to listen. Quick summary, check for clarification and then it’s the other ones turn. You try your best not to interrupt or prepare your answer before the other has finished.
2. LISTEN – people think they are listening but they actually aren’t. Listening is focusing on what the other is saying and not the words that you forming in your head – even when you don’t want to hear it!
3. You need to let your partner know you are listening by keeping eye contact.
4. Then see if you can summarise back to them what you have heard. This conveys a sense of worth. Your partner is important enough for you to focus, concentrate and want to understand. This is worth its weight in gold!
5. Interrupting your partner will convey the opposite – giving the message that what you have to say is more important in than what they are saying. You need to give some time to really get what the other is saying.
6. Communication is a two-way thing so there needs to be equal turn taking even if the other finds talking about their feelings more difficult – vulnerability needs respect.
7. If you find your body starts to tighten and your tone of voice escalates – BREATHE.
8. Try using ‘I’ words and not ‘You’ words. Take responsibility for your feelings. It’s not “you make me unhappy” say “I am unhappy with our relationship”.
9. Also, it is helpful to give compliments and tell you partner what would make you happy and how you would like things to be.
10. Finally, talk about the issues as they arise instead of bottling up your feelings. Keep the lines of communication open and try to aim for as much understanding as you can – that way you might talk yourself out of a row.

Rules for Fair Rows

Having a fair row involves:

• Being assertive rather than aggressive
• Not bringing up grievances form the past
• Staying with the specific (positive and negative)
• Using “I” statements – avoiding judging the other
• Being honest and sensitive
• Not arguing about detail
  ……You were an hour late!
  ……No, I wasn’t, it was only 10 minutes!
• Not blaming the other
• Actively listening and obtaining the other’s agreement about what you heard them saying before responding
• Tackling only one issue at a time
• Hanging on in there (unless you are being abused) – aiming for a solution rather than being RIGHT

Finally – remember it is OK to take time out – so long as you come back to resolve the issue